Note: names and identities are changed to protect privacy. Fiction and reality is mixed with the interpretation of reality, and fiction, very liberal and atheistic.
A medium sized town in Maharashtra. The dust doesn't settle down until 10 pm here.
Cold is extreme to someone not used to it, 14 degree at sunrise can be a scary. Day is chilly even when the sun is out. Skin is dry. Movements are slow. There are extinguishing ambers of anger at the betrayal of indoors that makes one feel safe rest of the year, when it fails at protecting them from cold. Outside is warmer than inside most of the time when sun is out. When moon is out, indoors are still very cold, but one is robbed of the respite of an option to go outdoors.
Insides are colder than outsides. And nights are lonely trials. Each person in his own winter. Fighting a lonely battle for long years.
-----x-----
I don't know what to do now.
I regret what I did then, but what can I do now?
What can I change in my situation?
What can I do?
I love her, but I cannot stand her when she is like that. I wish there were children, women seem to get completely absorbed in children.
I wish circumstances were easier in some way. I have a lot of endurance, but there is no respite of any manner, anywhere I look. Other than this packet of tobacco. (Opens a pack of tobacco mix and empties it in the his mouth).
My work is slow. The real estate market is slow. Trade would be good if there were the capital. Friends have turned away and showed their true colours, brothers treat me like I have no worth.
There aren't many with whom I can even share my thoughts freely. And even those I trust, every time I talk to them, I don't feel the burden lift. It just feels heavier that now I have to worry if this new information make me fall from their graces? No one wants to associate with the unlucky. And I don't blame them. I have borne this forever and I will bear this for ever.
I just wish there was some respite, somewhere. Other than this packet of tobacco. I wish there were children.
-----x-----
Things are all beyond me.
I have no say.
There is some comfort in money for now, but it will not last long.
And he will never listen to me. He is not much smarter than I am in these matters but he will just never listen to me. And the children, we did so much for them. We went through so much together, now they do not want to think about us. We are just in their way.
(She walks into the living room where a middle aged man is sleeping on the floor. In the darkness, other than the light of phone gleaming on his face.)
He buries his worries in Internet.
Should I turn a light on son? Are you warm? Why don't you sleep in the bedroom?
He hates me. They all hate me.
I wish I was wiser. Richer. Younger. I wish I had children of my own. They would love me as their own.
-----x-----
Why did I let her go?
Why didn't I hold a little longer?
Why did I accept this life, I knew I was not made for this life!
I walk around in these circles. I come to these loud marriages, I endure these people without taste or style. Without any respect for themselves. I endure it all.
Look at her, she is one of them. All dress up in gaudy clothes and smiling pretty. Not an original thought in her empty head. I can't stand her vacuous smile and laughter some days. And look at them, these dirty urchins. They have taken on her. And they like their uncles. Not one has taken on me, not one.
So many children, and a passionless cow for a wife.
This was never going to be me. I had promised myself that it was not.
Why did I let her go without another push? Why did I chicken out? I wish I had a second chance. I would change it all. Like this Enfield, renovate and shine it all up.
