Dense and cold

Note: names and identities are changed to protect privacy. Fiction and reality is mixed with the interpretation of reality, and fiction, very liberal and atheistic. 

A medium sized town in Maharashtra. The dust doesn't settle down until 10 pm here. 

Cold is extreme to someone not used to it, 14 degree at sunrise can be a scary. Day is chilly even when the sun is out. Skin is dry. Movements are slow. There are extinguishing ambers of anger at the betrayal of indoors that makes one feel safe rest of the year, when it fails at protecting them from cold. Outside is warmer than inside most of the time when sun is out. When moon is out, indoors are still very cold, but one is robbed of the respite of an option to go outdoors.

Insides are colder than outsides. And nights are lonely trials. Each person in his own winter. Fighting a lonely battle for long years. 

-----x-----

I don't know what to do now. 

I regret what I did then, but what can I do now?

What can I change in my situation? 

What can I do?

I love her, but I cannot stand her when she is like that. I wish there were children, women seem to get completely absorbed in children. 

I wish circumstances were easier in some way. I have a lot of endurance, but there is no respite of any manner, anywhere I look. Other than this packet of tobacco. (Opens a pack of tobacco mix and empties it in the his mouth).

My work is slow. The real estate market is slow. Trade would be good if there were the capital. Friends have turned away and showed their true colours, brothers treat me like I have no worth. 

There aren't many with whom I can even share my thoughts freely. And even those I trust, every time I talk to them, I don't feel the burden lift. It just feels heavier that now I have to worry if this new information make me fall from their graces? No one wants to associate with the unlucky. And I don't blame them. I have borne this forever and I will bear this for ever. 

I just wish there was some respite, somewhere. Other than this packet of tobacco. I wish there were children.

-----x-----

Things are all beyond me.

I have no say.

There is some comfort in money for now, but it will not last long. 

And he will never listen to me. He is not much smarter than I am in these matters but he will just never listen to me. And the children, we did so much for them. We went through so much together, now they do not want to think about us. We are just in their way.

(She walks into the living room where a middle aged man is sleeping on the floor. In the darkness, other than the light of phone gleaming on his face.)

He buries his worries in Internet. 

Should I turn a light on son? Are you warm? Why don't you sleep in the bedroom?

He hates me. They all hate me.

I wish I was wiser. Richer. Younger. I wish I had children of my own. They would love me as their own.

-----x-----

Why did I let her go?

Why didn't I hold a little longer?

Why did I accept this life, I knew I was not made for this life!

I walk around in these circles. I come to these loud marriages, I endure these people without taste or style. Without any respect for themselves. I endure it all.

Look at her, she is one of them. All dress up in gaudy clothes and smiling pretty. Not an original thought in her empty head. I can't stand her vacuous smile and laughter some days. And look at them, these dirty urchins. They have taken on her. And they like their uncles. Not one has taken on me, not one.

So many children, and a passionless cow for a wife.

This was never going to be me. I had promised myself that it was not. 

Why did I let her go without another push? Why did I chicken out? I wish I had a second chance. I would change it all. Like this Enfield, renovate and shine it all up.

My Heroes of 3rd Dec - Chennai Floods

you can help in many ways depending on your ability and reach:
http://www.oneindia.com/india/chennai-rains-floods-help-know-what-where-how-to-donate-1945428.html


*****

I spent much of the 3rd Dec 2015 in T P Chatram. Here thousands of homes are submerged in water.

I have a new respect for Chennai and its people. While I am sure there are brighter stars in the universe, in my system these are the heroes who shone the brightest:

1. Rajesh and his friends - take the first spot. These unassuming half dozen friends just standing idly in the darkness at the (knee deep water submerged) street corner, jumped into action and led me with all the sincerity, alacrity and courtesy of professionals. Helped me identify homes with infants and helped deliver baby formula. Also helped me distribute fever meds, milk and candles.

2. Unknown individuals and unnamed NGO who were distributing food in T P Chatram at lunch time.

3. Sub-inspectors of T P Chatram police station who were helping with all the efforts and keeping order. They also were making jokes and keeping people smiling, agreed I did not understand any of the jokes in Tamil but I know for sure some of these jokes were on me.

4. Ambulance drivers who worked relentlessly and helped all, especially infants and elderly reach hospital from T P Chatram.

From the rest of the city,

5. The solid waste disposal vehicle operators and drivers.

6. Bus conductors and drivers who kept the city connected.

7. Auto drivers who were willing to go in the direction no one was taking me to for making my work possible.

Perhaps these people will not go in any other history, but in my books, they are heroes.

*****

Incentives and preferences:

All the people who I rubbed shoulder with yesterday were excellent people. But everyone, perhaps, had motivations other than philanthropy.

     Rajesh and his friends decided who will lead in which building based on who (of perhaps which girl) lives in that building, make a good impression. All the people employed by city and state, were perhaps working on orders of their superiors and were getting paid for it for sure. NGO workers were employees. Auto drivers charged way above the usual fares

But does that reduce our contribution to the efforts? Does that make the food they delivered less nutritious or the candles burn dimmer? 

I guess my lesson for the day was that what one does counts at the end of the day. Why you started doing it and what you got out of it, who knows?